Gwen Tuinman

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history

Dinner Party Rules or Social Shackles: A Peek at Victorian Etiquette

“I saw my whole life as if I’d already lived it. An endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared… or even noticed…”  Rose DeWitt Bukater, Titanic

That line still evokes the same visceral response as the first time I watched the mother-daughter dining scene in Titanic that drove Rose (Kate Winslet) to nearly jump from the ship’s stern. Maybe you felt it too witnessing the critical maternal oversight and fussy rules about how to sit or use a dining utensil. 

Constrained behaviours and expected self-censorship must have been suffocating for independent-minded women.

As a historical fiction author embarking on a new novel set in the 19th-century, I’m exploring the etiquette pressed upon women in high society. I write about women navigating the patriarchy and social restrictions of their era. Economically challenged and disadvantaged women draw my imagination, but this time, a few society women join the story.

For the next few paragraphs, we’ll perch inside their gilded cage.

The holiday season approaches, so upper-crust Victorian for dinner-party etiquette seems like a good place to start. I’ll reference an antique book from my collection, Social Etiquette: or Manners and Customs of Polite Society published in 1896. These are just a few of them in the words of author Maud C. Cook.

·         Learn to govern yourself and to be gentle and patient.

·         Be exquisitely neat in your attire.

·         Remember that, valuable as is the gift of speech, silence is often more valuable.

·         Avoid moods, and pets (petulance), and fits of sulkiness.

·         Learn to deny yourself and prefer others

·         Be careful to guard against over much laughing.

·         Nothing gives a more favourable impression of good breeding than a voice, musical, clear, low in its key and careful in its articulation. A harsh voice, or shrill, high-pitched tones, or a source of discomfort to all who hear them.

·         When you talk, keep your hands still.

To satisfy men’s expectations, Mrs. Cook suggests that “[women’s] civilities, their self-sacrifice, their thoughtfulness for others it is that oils the wheels of domestic life.” She mentions nothing of  what women wanted.

By now, we understand why Rose climbed over the ship’s railing. Here follow more of Mrs. Cook’s vexing gems in her own words.


·         Try to be sensible; it is not a particular sign of superiority to talk like a fool.

·         Avoid causing irritation in your family circle; do reflect that home is the place in which to be agreeable.

·         Be reticent; the world at large has no interest in your private affairs.

·         Sometimes, at least allow your mother to know better than you do; she was educated before you were born.



Table etiquette is a must in order that we don’t show signs of ‘ill breeding’ according to Mrs. Cook. This small sampling of rules is sufficient to put a kibosh on carefree enjoyment of a social occasion. The last point reinforces the separateness of classes.

·         In the use of the knife and fork daintiness should be cultivated.

·         In using napkins do not spread over the entire lap, nor fasten under the chin bib-fashion, nor in the buttonhole. All these are fashions that should have been out use since the nursery. Simply unfold and lie carelessly in the lap on one knee, use to wipe the lips lightly or the fingertips were necessary.

·         Never, unless requested so to do, pass a plate on to a neighbour that has been handed to you. It is supposed to be that the carver knows what he intends for each guest. When dishes are passed, help yourself as quickly as possible and never insist upon someone being served first.

·         A lady should never look up in a servant’s face up while giving an order, refusing wine, or thanking him for any special service.

Mrs. Cook has advice for after dinner, as well. “If you consent to play or sing, do not wear your audience. Two or three stanzas a song, or four or five pages from a long instrumental piece are sufficient. Remember, it is only the lady of the house who has the right to ask you to play or sing, and to all other requests give a smiling refusal.”

Letter writing was the customary follow up to thank the holiday hosts for a lovely party.  The Victorian woman was sure to sign the card using her husband’s name. 



Thank you for so graciously hosting last evening’s festive gathering. We truly enjoyed your company and that of your other guests.

From  Mrs. (Insert Husband’s Name Here)

The History of Women’s Bodies in Four Parts: A Look Inside Helen King’s “Immaculate Forms”

If you haven’t heard me say it a million times already, I’m a podcast fan. There’s always something playing in my ear while I’m preparing dinner. History is my go-to topic, especially when the focus is on women. When I found an episode on Vulgar History podcast titled Author Interview: Helen King (Immaculate Forms: A History of the Female Body in Four Parts), I was all in.

I listened to the episode two or three times and bought the book. What follows comes from the book flap.

“In Immaculate Forms, classicist and historian Helen King explores the symbiotic relationship between religion and medicine and their twinned history of gatekeeping the key organs that have been used to define “woman,” … The way we understand the body … is still shaped by human intervention and read according to cultural interpretations.” 

These histories, she tells us, explore how “medicine and religion worked together as gatekeepers of bodies.” They shaped our beliefs about gender and sex, and who is good or evil. These stories are being used to support actions and beliefs being promoted in modern times.

To which four body parts does the author refer? Breasts, clitoris, hymen and womb. King conveys deeply researched facts drawn from medicine, religion, and art histories—and does so in a way that is bops along in a narrative that doesn’t become overly heavy.

No matter which direction I turned to, a past-to-present link, or a revelatory fact that left me gobsmacked, frustrated, or indignant on behalf of women who came before us.

There are so many fascinating facts and findings I could share. (I was underlining and circling through my entire read!) But I’ll share a standouts, categorized of course, under King’s four parts.

Breasts:

As far back as Egyptian days, wet nurses were hired to nurse children. Contracts were signed and included a code of conduct to ensure that her milk was not tainted. For example, during the term of service the wet nurse may be prohibited from having sex, becoming pregnant, or nursing another child. Diet and daily physical activity may also be dictated in the terms.

Breast size flagged sexual experience in medieval Europe and made girls and women the target of unwanted attention. To protect unmarried young women from harassment and assault, their breasts were constrained and treated with vinegar and herbs.

During the 1700s, small breasts were considered to be sexy. Some women opted not to nurse their babies, or were forbidden to do so by their husbands, in order to preserve their small breast size.

Clitoris:

Credit for ‘discovering’ this part of female anatomy was claimed by Matteo Realdo Colombo of the University of Padua in 1540. He dedicated his find to the Pope. Colombo’s student, Gabriel Falloppio (for whom fallopian tubes are named) contested the claim and insisted that he was the true discoverer.

 In the early 1900s, a British lord asked during a court trial if Clitoris was the name of a Greek chap. The trial was addressing a fear of “unbridled female sexuality” that may result if privileged medical information about the body became public. (A woman’s morality was questionable if she knew anything about her anatomy.)

Women’s agency in seeking sexual pleasure, especially through self stimulation, was unacceptable. A French surgeon in 1839 stated that clitoridectomy was “so simple, so completely free of any danger, that it is necessary.” In England, clitoridectomies were performed to cure a number of ailments like hysteria, fits, piles, and cancer.

Hymen:

Women’s virginity has historically been important because men required their virginity for the purposes of “property and inheritance transactions” conducted relative to marriage.

When defloweration mania spread across Britain, so did “counterfeit maidenheads”. (Where there’s will, there’s a way!) The obsession with blood at time of intercourse turned sex into a violent anxiety-inducing business for women.

The rape of young girls increased in 18th century England and early 20th century Scotland because it was rumoured that intercourse with a virgin would cure venereal diseases.

Womb:

The origin of all women’s diseases was the womb, according to fourth-century-BCE Hippocratic treatises. It was believed to migrate to different areas of the body. “If [the womb] goes up in and turns around and causes a blockage…the womb causes pain in the hips and the head.” Expose a woman to sweet smells, and the womb will return to its appropriate position.

An eighteenth-century Dutch gynecologist wrote that women on their periods gave off “menstrual toxins” that prevented jam from setting and bread from rising.

Hysteria is Greek for womb. Many illnesses such as suffocation of the womb or hypochondria were categorized under hysteria by the close of the 18th century. After the French Revolution, some aristocrats begged for hysteria diagnoses so they could be admitted to nursing homes, thereby avoiding the guillotine.

For a broad sweep of the Immaculate Forms: A History of the Female Body in Four Parts, I highly recommend listening to the podcast episode I mentioned earlier. But if you want to really dig in, pick up the book. It’s so darned interesting!

Female Husbands & Saltblood: A Perfect Pairing of Defiant Histories

I discovered Jen Manion’s powerful book, Female Husbands: A Trans History while perusing a feminist book club’s reading list. The history of anything piques my interest. As a citizen of the world and as someone with dearly held trans people in my life, I want to learn more.

Manion (Associate Professor of History at Amherst College) writes that, “as a historian, it is my mission to try to understand how female husbands understood themselves and were perceived by others in the terms of defining gender and sexual difference than were available to them in their lifetimes.”

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Wandering Wombs, Births and Pessaries: Women’s Health Mansplained Throughout History

Whether we’re anxious about a potential illness or expecting a baby, being cared for by a professional who’s empathetic and inspires our confidence is a comfort. My experience with women healthcare practitioners has been positive. There’s a built-in understanding when I explain how I’m feeling. They’ve never invalidated my concerns.

Women practitioners have treated me as a whole person, not a jumble of body parts.

As a historical fiction author who’s interested in women’s lives, I’m always thinking of the past. This leads me to wonder about the care and understanding that women did—or didn’t receive—from male physicians before the prevalence of licensed female doctors.

I recently read Lisa See’s historical fiction, Lady Tan’s Circle of Women, a story inspired by Tan Yunxian (1461–1554). Tan was one of a few women physicians during China’s Ming Dynasty and the first to publish a medical book. Women doctors and authors faced credibility issues. In the prologue, Tan wrote, “I beg readers’ indulgence and ask that they do not laugh at me.”

In the novel, I was struck by an account of a male doctor caring for a pregnant patient. Male doctors weren’t allowed to touch female patients, nor could married women be treated in the absence of their husbands. With the doctor seated on one side of a screen and the woman on the other, her husband acted as a go-between, posing the doctor’s questions to his wife and then repeating her answers to the doctor.

What quality of treatment did women receive under that kind of restriction?

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Pioneer Life: Making Candles

Two hundred years ago, coal oil lamps were a rarity in the backwoods home. Hearth fires and candles were main sources of light. In heavily settled areas, a chandler might pass through once a year to sell their candles made with moulds.

Most pioneer women preferred to make their own candles. They saved tallow (animal fat) from butchered cows, sheep, and wild game like deer and bear. The tallow was boiled in water several times to rid it of impurities. Once tallow took on a waxlike consistency, it was strained to further ensure pureness. These processes help to prevent the animal fat in the candles from turning rancid. To camouflage the unpleasant odour of burning tallow, wild ginger or pleasant-smelling herbs were mixed in. Sweet smelling beeswax was sometimes added for a honey scent. Pure beeswax candles were reserved for special occasions as the wax was difficult to obtain.

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Steamship Travel in Early Canada

Since childhood, I’ve been interested in the “olden days” and how people lived. As a historical fiction author, I take delight in curating facts and impressions about people’s daily lives and how the times in which they lived impacted them. You can imagine the extensive research required to construct a believable world within a novel. For history lovers, this aspect of writing is pleasurable work.

This being said, I’ve been learning about steamship travel in Canada in the 1800s and early 1900s. What might my characters encounter aboard such ships? I’d imagined grunge and simplicity at every turn.

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Early Settlers and Milling Grain

I’ve always imagined the hardships our earliest settler families might list would include isolation, lack of survival skills, or illness. Upon arriving in Upper Canada, Loyalist settlers were promised a three-year supply of food by the government. One of their greatest challenges was getting their grain allotment ground into flour.

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Women Grieving: Victorian and Edwardian Mourning Rules

I’ve been researching death and grieving in the early 1900s to inform the novel I’m currently writing. Death was no stranger. An article published by Berkley University, tells that just years earlier in 1830s London, England, life expectancy of middle to upper class males was 45 years. Tradesmen generally lived until 25 years, and labourers until 22 years. In working class families, 57% of children died by the age of five. With the prevalence of deaths, rituals shaped by grief helped mourners to cope with their losses.

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Preserving Heritage Barns

The view of rustic barns is one of the greatest pleasures of a countryside drive. They stir fond childhood memories of my grandparents’ farm and inspire my storytelling. I am fortunate to live in an agricultural region dotted with this historic architecture. After a windstorm felled a neighbouring barn, I began to reflect on the life expectancy of these treasured buildings.

I recently enjoyed a conversation with Jon Radojkovic, president of Ontario Barn Preservation (OBP). Along with board members and regional representatives, he devotes himself to documenting and protecting Ontario barns constructed prior to 1959.

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