“I saw my whole life as if I’d already lived it. An endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared… or even noticed…”  Rose DeWitt Bukater, Titanic

That line still evokes the same visceral response as the first time I watched the mother-daughter dining scene in Titanic that drove Rose (Kate Winslet) to nearly jump from the ship’s stern. Maybe you felt it too witnessing the critical maternal oversight and fussy rules about how to sit or use a dining utensil. 

Constrained behaviours and expected self-censorship must have been suffocating for independent-minded women.

As a historical fiction author embarking on a new novel set in the 19th-century, I’m exploring the etiquette pressed upon women in high society. I write about women navigating the patriarchy and social restrictions of their era. Economically challenged and disadvantaged women draw my imagination, but this time, a few society women join the story.

For the next few paragraphs, we’ll perch inside their gilded cage.

The holiday season approaches, so upper-crust Victorian for dinner-party etiquette seems like a good place to start. I’ll reference an antique book from my collection, Social Etiquette: or Manners and Customs of Polite Society published in 1896. These are just a few of them in the words of author Maud C. Cook.

·         Learn to govern yourself and to be gentle and patient.

·         Be exquisitely neat in your attire.

·         Remember that, valuable as is the gift of speech, silence is often more valuable.

·         Avoid moods, and pets (petulance), and fits of sulkiness.

·         Learn to deny yourself and prefer others

·         Be careful to guard against over much laughing.

·         Nothing gives a more favourable impression of good breeding than a voice, musical, clear, low in its key and careful in its articulation. A harsh voice, or shrill, high-pitched tones, or a source of discomfort to all who hear them.

·         When you talk, keep your hands still.

By now, we understand why Rose climbed over the ship’s railing. Here follow more of Mrs. Cook’s vexing gems in her own words.


·         Try to be sensible; it is not a particular sign of superiority to talk like a fool.

·         Avoid causing irritation in your family circle; do reflect that home is the place in which to be agreeable.

·         Be reticent; the world at large has no interest in your private affairs.

·         Sometimes, at least allow your mother to know better than you do; she was educated before you were born.



Table etiquette is a must in order that we don’t show signs of ‘ill breeding’ according to Mrs. Cook. This small sampling of rules is sufficient to put a kibosh on carefree enjoyment of a social occasion. The last point reinforces the separateness of classes.

·         In the use of the knife and fork daintiness should be cultivated.

·         In using napkins do not spread over the entire lap, nor fasten under the chin bib-fashion, nor in the buttonhole. All these are fashions that should have been out use since the nursery. Simply unfold and lie carelessly in the lap on one knee, use to wipe the lips lightly or the fingertips were necessary.

·         Never, unless requested so to do, pass a plate on to a neighbour that has been handed to you. It is supposed to be that the carver knows what he intends for each guest. When dishes are passed, help yourself as quickly as possible and never insist upon someone being served first.

·         A lady should never look up in a servant’s face up while giving an order, refusing wine, or thanking him for any special service.

Mrs. Cook has advice for after dinner, as well. “If you consent to play or sing, do not wear your audience. Two or three stanzas a song, or four or five pages from a long instrumental piece are sufficient. Remember, it is only the lady of the house who has the right to ask you to play or sing, and to all other requests give a smiling refusal.”

Letter writing was the customary follow up to thank the holiday hosts for a lovely party.  The Victorian woman was sure to sign the card using her husband’s name. 



Thank you for so graciously hosting last evening’s festive gathering. We truly enjoyed your company and that of your other guests.

From  Mrs. (Insert Husband’s Name Here)